....

i would have loved you.
shame.

i wish you were still here.
goodbye

26.

Every once in a while, I find something or someone that completely amazes me.
Inspirational.
I'm sorry he's gone.
I wish I could have known you.

I need to move from this city soon.
Irvine is life draining.

Summa Lovin'

It sure ain't summa, but I'm sweatin' like it is.
This fire is gettin' outta control!
I no longer feel the effects of smoke inhalation.
I woke up and the sky was sepia.
I stayed an extra hour for work.

Tomorrow I will study for philosophy and art history.
I hate philosophy. It's so open-ended...
blech.

I love my roommies.
They're so cute.

Imma love them so hard.

I feel happy.
Maybe the menstrual cycle is working in my favor, for once.

Thank you.

there's a fire

breathing is hard.
ash everywhere.

i wake up from my nap
aching.

i need to get away from here.

i need to be in New York.


I wish I could just forget him.
Oh god please let me just forget him.
Please please please.

Halloween

I went to a costume shop in Costa Mesa today, and there was a cute guy working. When he spoke to us, I tried to reply without being awkward, but that never works.

We aren't even friends anymore and that makes me terribly sad.
Oh, I miss you so much, I don't know what I did to mess things up..
I'm sorry.

What do I do to push others away?
Sometimes I knowingly push people away, and when I do that, it's because there is a legit reason. Other times, when I'm completely unaware of it, I'm being detached.. and.. I don't know.
I don't understand.

I wish, oh I wish I wish I stayed.
I wanted to stay. I wanted to be there.
But I had the strongest feeling that if I did, you'd wake up regretting it.
I don't want to be someone's regret.
I was afraid.
Oh god.

I feel dizzy inside,
My guts are tied up in knots,
My throat is tight,
and my heart is heavy.
So much is going on,
and I'm still able to continue
but every moment of the day
is a lie...

I don't know how I'm doing it.
I don't know if I'm happy for real or I'm just pretending.
It's gotten to the point where everything is just ..
blurred.

this is not how i imagined it.

Dilemmas.

When she comes in, you feel it, the complete awkwardness of it all. You sit there, unsure of what to say or how to act, and you worry about what you did. You think quietly in your seat as she bustles busily around you, her silent fury making you uncomfortable. What did you do wrong? You didn't even have the chance to put a word in, and yet you feel her anger, it's clear that she's upset.

You wait. You realize it's not you that's the problem, it's something else. You desperately want to say something, to ease out of the awkwardness, something comforting. But there is nothing to say because she has yet to declare her emotional state to you. In the bathroom as you get ready for bed, you catch tidbits of her conversation on the phone and the tension you feel building inside of you rises.

You stand in the restroom, afraid to intrude, afraid to make a sound, yet you're making as much noise as you can to convince her that you are completely unaware of the situation.
You can't ignore the silent sobs, the quiet sniffling, and you're seizing up inside. How do you confront a situation when you're not supposed to know? You try to remain a good friend, without asking questions, because that would be intruding. If she wanted to let you in, she would have. What do you do?

Feel like a bad person for not acting like you care, even though you do?
Or intrude into her personal life and confront her about her problems?

Dilemmas.

i hate you.

and just because we share the same mother and father, does not mean we are brother and sister.
i hate you with all my heart, you are dead to me. dead. fucking dead.
you mean nothing, and you are nothing.
you're pathetic and foolish and immature and you act like the biggest pig.
i detest you and you make me sick.
move out.
you're an embarrassment to this family.
repugnant piece of shit, i hope you die.
i hope you die soon.
i hope you leave.
i never want to see you again.
you're nothing.
nothing. nothing. nothing.

i only have one older brother now.
and you know why?
because he doesn't hold grudges forever.
twat.


thank you for calling,
thank you for telling me to see my friends
it meant a lot.
thank you for seeing me,
thank you for listening,
i've missed you forever.