Halloween

I went to a costume shop in Costa Mesa today, and there was a cute guy working. When he spoke to us, I tried to reply without being awkward, but that never works.

We aren't even friends anymore and that makes me terribly sad.
Oh, I miss you so much, I don't know what I did to mess things up..
I'm sorry.

What do I do to push others away?
Sometimes I knowingly push people away, and when I do that, it's because there is a legit reason. Other times, when I'm completely unaware of it, I'm being detached.. and.. I don't know.
I don't understand.

I wish, oh I wish I wish I stayed.
I wanted to stay. I wanted to be there.
But I had the strongest feeling that if I did, you'd wake up regretting it.
I don't want to be someone's regret.
I was afraid.
Oh god.

I feel dizzy inside,
My guts are tied up in knots,
My throat is tight,
and my heart is heavy.
So much is going on,
and I'm still able to continue
but every moment of the day
is a lie...

I don't know how I'm doing it.
I don't know if I'm happy for real or I'm just pretending.
It's gotten to the point where everything is just ..
blurred.

this is not how i imagined it.